I talk about having the idea...

...rather than the idea itself. I'm focused on the meta-idea. looking at the idea like a psuedo-intellectual looks at a peice of art, making comments about it to artificially lift himself above it, but all the time not connecting with it at all. art critics make lousy artists. still, i'm hovering above this idea, these ideas, looking down at it, seeing it slowly come into focus, keeping just enough distance so I don't lose sight of it. every step forward is a step in the wrong direction if you don't know where you're going. the only step in the right direction when you need to stop and see the big picture is a step backwards. of course, maybe i'm just affraid of the idea. maybe i'm affraid of the commitment to it, so i'm distancing myself. maybe not seeing it clearly is a given. maybe i'm human and my eyesight into eternity isn't 20/20. maybe i can only see clearly when i have made a commitment. maybe i'll see that i've made the wrong choice. maybe it's not about seeing. maybe it's about deciding to see. maybe i should start talking about the ideas i have rather than talking about the fact that i have them.