what if I fail...

in my mission in life? what if i fail at the jobs i'm supposed to be doing? what if i fail to act? what if i fail to decide? what if i fail to sacrafice that which must be sacraficed? what if i...

B - U - L - L - - S - H - I - T

what if spend my life asking stupid "what if" questions? what if THAT is what MAKES me "fail"? If we are really going to reduce life to a series of pass/fail grades about this or that meaningless little challenge, why not ask a better question?

what do we DO WHEN we succeed?

ahh, much better! you're asking the same thing, but in a different question. and no, don't give this "positive thinking" crap, this isn't "positive thinking", this is "success thinking". this is "honesty thinking" this is "independance thinking".

You need to go the other way, too. fuck "positive". you need to ask yourself other questions, too, like:

what HAPPENS if we don't succeed?

power. choice. you're in control if you succeed. that's how you succeed. you demonstrate your ability to be in control of your own life. nothing is worse than not being in control of your own life. if you don't succeed, that's because you're not in control. when you're not in control, you are not responsible. you escape from your reality with food or alchohol, or other forms of escapism. watchin tv or movies. reading books. reading blogs. you just spend your time asking "why me", "what's wrong with me", "why can't i...". maybe your a conservative type and spend your time blaming the government and taxes. maybe your just lazy and blame it on the ones that aren't.

fuck you! you can't because you WON'T. you can't because you CHOOSE NOT TO. after all, if you tried and failed, maybe it's some part of you that you have no control over! "something's wrong with me". maybe it's the world "Things are unfair". maybe it's becaue x happend when you were a child "I can't because when..."

uh, maybe its, uhh...you? "I know it's me, but i don't know how to change." Well, here's the secret. you ready?

change your definition of who you are. 

who are you? To answer that question, you have to ask yourself "who do you want to be"? Then, just be that person. don't think this has anything to do with being "honest" with yourself. if you were "honest" with yourself, you would allready BE the person you WANT to be, but something's holding you back. guess what, dipshit? that thing that's holding you back is your DIS-honesty about who you WANT TO BE.

the question is "who do you want to BE"? However, what we stupid little human beings define as "be-ing" usually consist of what we own, what our occupation is, what our level of education is, how much we weight. what we look like, who we're married to, who our kids our, who are parents are, what tv shows we watch, what books we read, what clothes we wear, etc... BULLSHIT!

who we ARE depends on what we DO. not our "occupation", but our behavior. our behaivior depends on us. that is the only thing we can change right now.

how do we change our behavior, though?

we do it by changing our perception of that behavior. how do we change our perception? we have to force ourselves to look at things in a different way? how do we do that? we analize it from different perspectives. how do we analize?

we ask questions

let's start asking some questions.

Oh, by the way...

I posted more photos on che's site. Check them out.

what's most important to me?

the music or the words?
the solution or the code?
the occupation or the paycheck?
the sex or the orgasm?
the image or the description?
the number of friends or the connection between each?

...the love or the logic?

we all ask these question, whether we're aware of them or not, all the time. every choice you make is a selection of what is the most important thing to you at that time. every time that choice is made, there is something that goes on in your brain, something that asks your spiritual core what to do. your spiritual cores answers, and your decision is made. however, it all comes down to two very important archetypical concepts: dynamic or static. you could go with the jungian division, too, of male and female on top of that, but I think that the concept of male and female, as archetipycal models, can be better understood as having degrees, and the dynamic and static archetypical concepts provide a marginalization of those degrees.
(note: just remember, that, at any time, if you feal as if you don't understand what i'm talking about, just rest assured that i don't know what i'm talking about, either.)

if we need logic, structure, discipline, rigor, etc, we are static. the good part? once you have a framework for your life that works, it can take you far. the bad part? isolation, as the more you develope your own unchanging framework, the less you can adapt to the needs of other people.

if we need love, music, passion, drama, excitement, we are dynamic. The good part? living life like this IS the good part. this IS life. this is why we live. do you really want to admit that you live for you car? your house? no, of course not. if we have no passion, we have nothing. why bother living at all? The bad part? chaos. disorder. your life becomes a mess. too much drama. the idea of having "nothing to show for it" with the years of your life.

now, everyone needs a little structure and a little passion, a little love and a little money. The question that our deepest of deepests soul wants answered is not "which is important and which is not". The question is "which is MOST important?". There come's a point, however, when you have to choose: Elvis or the Beatles? red or blue? starsky or hutch? the cookie monster or Oscar the grouch? steak tips or buffalo wings?

the love or the logic?

me, i love love, but i'm in love with logic.

I'm trying to be...

...somebody I'm not. I'm kidding myself. The person who I want to be is definately not me. I'm somebody else. two different people: ego and superego. facticity and transendance. Anyone who is not dead is tryingt be somebody they are not. Now, we have different ways of going about it, but we're all trying to be somebody we're not.

why wouldn't we? if we were just going to be ourselves, what fun is that? after all, if you're completely content, why bother? is that what life is about? being content? fuck contentment. i want adventure, passion, seduction, and other buzzwords to sell movies, except maybe horror movies. i don't want my life to be "disturbing"...


...well, maybe a little.

picture yourself as your imaginary hero. imaging someone who doesn't exist: a legend. a luke skywalker or indiana jones. a neo. hey, maybe a real person: noam chomsky. che guavara. benjamin franklin. henry david thoreau.

what is it about these people that make us admire them? it wasn't their abilities. there are a lot of people who have the same abilities (except maybe neo, i guess, but i digress). it was there drive, the carisma, the identity. it was who they were not what they could do. their accomplishments had to do with a greater picture of who they were. their identity. now, their identity has to do with their behavior, so what they did was important, but we need to differential their accomplishments with their behavior. ok, sorry if i've taken you into semantics hell. i didn't mean it.

what i mean to say is that a person's identity has more to do with his day to day behavior: his drive. how he looks at the world. how he treats other people. his sense of himself. (forgive me for not saying "him/herself" but I don't want to take anybody to pronoun hell, either). the accomplishments he may have made are direct descendants of his identity. the accomplishments, while important, serve to identify the more important questions of who they were. accomplishments serve the soul as well, as re-enforcements of our believe about ourself. "We are what we do", we think. in a sense (the existentialist view that we are, at least in part, what other people think we are, as that is just as much a part of reality as our own perception).

but we're all here to do what we're all here to do: to be somebody we're not. Me, I'm fighting the world, one abstraction at a time. I'm finding new ways of lying to myself, or fighting for the truth, depending on your perspective. I want to be someone I'm not: I want to be God. And so do you.

Hackers and Musicians

Sometimes, a problem is solved using a simple design pattern or a slightly more complex series of simple patterns, an amalgamation of a few. However, all paterns are created by someone. Learning to use the pattern is simply intellectual footwork. The truely creative programmer can do just about anything without writing a single line of code: he solves the problem with the definition of the problem. He thinks on a higher level.

It's like a musician. What makes a musician a musician is not his brilliance. It's his love of making music. Love. He realizes that music is more important than other things. Music is the highest level of abstraction. It is the layer of abstraction that is above ourselves. It is something that we create because it must be.